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I asked her, "how do you know when you're happy."

She said, "happiness is just gratitude. When you can be grateful, truly grateful, then you can be happy."

Could it be so simple? Perhaps I should make a list...

I'm grateful for my family. My family. Oh, Internet, I wish you could know them like I do. I wish the whole world could. I have a dad who answers the phone, "hello, Beautiful" every time I call him. A mom who has taught me to be strong and brave and honest. Brothers who taught me sarcasm in the best way; who would figure out a way to build me a spaceship, if that's what I needed. A sister who looks at me with stars in her eyes for no good reason. Yes, Internet, I love my family more than life itself. My family made me and my family saved me.

I'm grateful for purpose. Law school. Purpose. A goal. Thinking about it like this allows me to be grateful, even excited for the journey I am about to embark upon in 2 weeks. This is much healthier than thinking of it as a time eating, confidence destroying, money sucking, relationship ending, ulcer inducing, having that dream where you're naked in front of the class every day, end-all, be-all of how smart I really am. Yea, probably not exactly healthy. Sure, school will be a sacrifice. But aren't the really important things in life, the things worth doing, aren't they always a sacrifice? I know I can do this. I want to do this. And that is enough.

I'm grateful for my man. He knows I'm crazy but he's still here. (And vice versa, of course.) He supports me, protects me and for whatever reason, can't get enough of me. It's difficult to look at the last 6 months of my life and not marvel at the grace and provision provided by Someone who seems to know what we'll need exactly when we need it. There have been hard things, big things, to deal with lately. Thankfully, I found someone I can lean on, who can be my strength when I don't have any.

I'm grateful for my friends. A couple weekends ago some dear friends tied the knot in Twin Falls, Idaho. (For all you Colorados, think Pueblo.) It was lovely. Friends that I haven't seen in months, sometimes years, from all around the world, literally, showed up. It was pretty incredible. They've all become amazing people who are doing amazing things. I am so blessed to be woven into a story with them. And the close ones, the ones who have this ability to see the me I want to be, the ones that speak wisdom and truth and grace and love, those are the ones I know my children will know, those are the ones I am most grateful for.

I'm grateful for self-knowledge. There is such freedom in knowing ourselves- why we react the way we do, why certain things trigger certain things that are connected to certain things, why we (I) can't go to a bar for more than two hours. There is freedom in learning our bodies' natural rhythms and learning to honor them. There is freedom in knowing ourselves well enough to know when we need to ask for help. There is freedom in learning to set safe boundaries and teach people to honor them. It seems to me that knowing ourselves is 90% of the battle.

Sigh. Internet, I know I'm being somewhat vague. Big things went down the last couple weeks. Good things. I'll try not to lay such a heavy one on you next time.

I guess I just want you to know this: that finally, because I am grateful, truly madly deeply grateful, I am happy.

Yours,
LC

I wear cowboy boots to work every Friday.

Why?

Because we don't have causal Fridays.

My own personal rebellion.

In case all you people on the 8:40 316 are wondering why I'm glaring at you, it's because you're wearing jeans and I'm not.

I know, I'm that mature.

Happy Friday, everybody.

The Sibs in Sea

Last weekend my brother and sister-in-law were in town for a visit. And rather than give you the play by play, I'm going to give you my top five favorite moments of the trip.

Numero 5: I love it when my worlds collide. Thursday night for dinner we headed over to Boyfriend's condo to, of course, grill some pizzas. My best friend and her boyfriend were there too. Imagine my delight- family, Boyfriend, best friends and vegetarian pizza. One of those times where I get to take a big, deep sigh and be highly content in my surroundings. Most of the time having two worlds makes me sad. It's hard having your heart in two places. But those times are punctuated by happy, happy times when they meet. Plus, I think Boyfriend is less 'timidated by the brothers. Slightly.

#4: We made new friends and they let us play kickball with them. Yep. Saturday we were going to go paintballing until we learned that games lasted for four! hour and I just didn't think I could take four! hours of sheer panic. Instead we went to the park and tossed the Frisbee. It was lovely. We saw these two guys show up with a kickball. They stood around for a while and kinda looked at each other like little boys that had been ditched. I said if they needed players, we'd play. So, suddenly we were playing kickball with total strangers. We started at 4 on 4, grew to about 10 on 10 and left when it was at least 15 on 15. All total strangers. All adults just looking for someone to play with. It. was. awesome. A good reminder of what can happen if we step just a little bit ourselves and our routines.

And then 3: I am proud to announce that Europe has made it's way to Seattle. Well, sorta. I mean, I highly doubt garlic fries and cheap beer are European delicacies but whatever. The four of us Colby people attended a Sounders FC match. For those of you who don't know what "FC" means, it means "futbol club" as in soccer. See? Europe. The match was intense and the fans were into it. We had drummers and flags and streamers and sparkle confetti and an almost-brawl. Chad and I stood the whole time. We yelled and the ref (who had to be escorted off by cops. See? Europe again) and taunted the other team's goalie. If my salary didn't qualify me for low-income housing right now, I would totally have season tickets. Why?

Freddie L. #10. SO Euro. Sigh.

2nd place: We did something I never thought I'd do. Something I was initially ashamed about but have come to accept. Something that has forever changed my worldview. Friends, family...we saw Star Trek. And when I say we saw Star Trek I'm saying that we bought tickets in advance and stood in line outside of the theater with all the semi-intoxicated, costumed Trekkies. And I'm not gonna lie...IT WAS AWESOME. Possibly one of the best PG-13 movies I've ever seen. I will say that sometimes when the crowd would suddenly laugh hysterically or erupt into applause, I felt a little left out. But that's okay because I was a little busy daydreaming about flying of too Vulcan with Captain Kirk. Damn. I would like to formally apologize to any Trekkie I have ever judged. You were onto a good thing. Even though a couple of you may have cussed me out in line when I mistakenly asked, "So, what's the premise of Star Trek, anyway," I forgive you if you forgive me. Live long and prosper, my friends.
Sigh again.

The winner: I'm going sentimental, of course. But, I have to say that my favorite part of the trip was getting to show my family off to my world here. I love those guys so gosh-darn much and I'm SO proud of them. I'm also proud of the friendship we've developed over the years. It's pretty great to genuinely and fully enjoy being around your sibs. I was really sad to see them go. I've been thinking a lot about moving home in the last few months. I mean, it's been 6 years out here and I have never stopped being homesick. Is that normal? At what point should I do something about it? I dunno. Lots of thoughts on this to come. All in all, it was a fantastic weekend. We laughed a lot. And played a lot. And ate a lot. I don't know what more I could ask for.

Until next time- LC

Been Meaning to Put This Up for a While Now...

As I look, my eyes begin to recognize the anguish and agony of all the people for whom you gave yourself. Your broken heart becomes the heart of all of humanity, the Heart of all the world, You carry them all: abandoned children, rejected wives and husbands, broken families, the homeless, refugees, prisoners, the maimed and tortured, and the thousands, yes millions who are unloved, forgotten, and left alone to die. I see their emaciated bodies, their despairing faces, their anguished looks, I see them all there where Your body is pierced and Your heart is ripped apart. Compassionate Lord, Your heart is broken because of all the love that is not given or received. -Henri Nouwen

Praise the Lord for them: http://www.ijm.org/

More to come soon. Busy weekend with the brother and sister-in-law in town!
Love,
LC

This pretty much sums it up...

Every time I see a dog in a movie, I think the same thing: I want that dog. I see Skip or Lucy or Shiloh and for a moment I can't even think about the movie's plot. I can only think about the dog. I want to hold it, pet it, take it for walks, and tell it what a good dog it is. I want to love it, and I want it to love me. I have an empty space inside myself that can only be filled by a dog.

A Life Worth Sharing

So, I'll be honest. I've been a bit apprehensive about writing recently. I know I said I'd write more but I don't really feel like I have much to offer. I mean, my life is pretty repetitive right now. Sleep....bus....work....bus....eat...sleep. There are no accidental dates gay bar dates with men that I met on Craigslist. No Nazi marches on the Mall. No West Wing binges or near nervous breakdowns. Life is pretty normal. And pretty good, don't get me wrong. I live with some of my best girls. I'm in love. I am law school bound, which means I have a purpose and a plan. I just don't feel like I have anything of real value to share here.

I was talking to my Mom this morning, we'll call her Betty. I was sharing some of my thoughts with Betty and she made a great point, something I've been thinking about all day. She said that each of us, no matter where we are in life, can do something or are doing something that is worth sharing, we've just got to pinpoint what it is. Our lives are probably only boring to us. Isn't that what makes Facebook or (gag me) Twitter so popular? People want to know what people are doing. Granted, there are pros and cons to these networking tools but I think that maybe it's good indicator validating what Betty said.

So I'll ask you, what part about your life is worth sharing? Is worth putting on display for the world/internet to enjoy? What CAN you do to make your life worth sharing?

I'm working on an answer to this. Maybe you will too.

Peace, love and Twitter.
LC

Hi Internet (Mom),

I was going to blog a month ago. But then I got into law school and didn't quite know how to tell you about it. Then I was going to write a couple weeks ago but I had to go to Canada with the boyfriend's family for a wedding. So I didn't because I was busy being carsick and cold. Then I was going to write a brief update last week on the plane to Colorado to visit my family for Easter. But I didn't because I got engrossed in one of those "What to Expect When You're Expecting Your First Year of Law School" books. And then I didn't write when I got back because the introvert that lives inside me has deactivated all means of effective communication on which I rely. And because I got a little obsessed with this lady and sort of have been having a nervous breakdown because I want to move to the country and not the the law library at Seattle U.

So anyway, there you have it. One thing I've come to realize during my blogspot hiatus: that even if no one reads what I've been thinking about (which is the case as suggested by a flat graph on Google Analytics) I NEED to write. I get backed up, clogged with emotion. It got so bad that I took the morning off work yesterday morning and sat by the lake and cried and wrote until I had nothing else to say. (Messed up hormones counts as a sick day, right?) And it helped. Don't worry, Mom, I'm fine. Fine enough, anyway.

I have to go back to work, my lunch break is almost over. I will do a better job. For me. Maybe you'll enjoy it along the way too. Also, I think I need a new title for the blog. I've almost been done with DC for a year now. Totally crazy. If I was one of those all-star bloggers I would do some sort of giveaway like a trip for two to my parents' house or a new iron for naming it. Or maybe I'd send you a pair of designer jeans because if I was an all-star blogger I'd be sponsored by them. All of them. They'd compete to give me the most perfect denim ever created. All because I was an all-star blogger.

I digress.

It's great to be back, Internet. Enjoy some new pics and I will be talking to you SOON.
Love,
LC

Cannon Beach and Other Recent Happenings...

Welp, suddenly it's been a month and I haven't blogged. How does this happen? I mean, I'm busy. My life is more or less sleep, wake, run to the bus, work, eat, repeat. There are variables, to be sure. Occasionally I shower. And sometimes I have breakfast with my brother. I've also started playing soccer on a co-rec team, The Nasties. They are fabulous. Playing is often the highlight of my week. It makes me feel alive and old all at the same time. When I first started playing, I would literally wake up in the middle of the night because I was so sore. Pathetic, really.

I'm busy but I'm not that busy. So, again, I'm resolving to write more.

Lots has happened in the past month or so. I am settling into my job rather well, and actually starting to like it. The majority of days seems to fly by. I'll have to dedicate a whole post to my job and the people I work with later. You gotta love the quirks of office culture.

Also, all my law school apps are in. I'm feeling pretty good about my chances. I should hear in the next week or 2 for sure. I've become a bit obsessive about checking my online application status. As of 5 minutes ago, nothing has changed but I'll keep you posted. I get a little panicky sometimes because I don't exactly have a backup plan. When those thoughts start creeping up on me I have found that the easiest way to self medicate is with an episode of Gossip Girl. I love me some Chuck Bass, what can I say?

Finally, another happening that also deserves a post of it's own...officially, I have myself a brand spankin' new boyfriend. He cooks, he cleans, he brings me flowers, he buys me Coldplay tickets (squee!). I am a happy lady. Obviously, I like him for other, less shallow reasons too. He is also dashingly handsome. More to come...Oh, and he took all the pictures below, I can't take credit for them...

Overall, I'd say the highlight of the last month was our trip to Cannon Beach...

We had fantastic weather. This is the view off the back of the condo, courtesy of our hostess with the mostess, KL.

I love this girl. Maybe someday we'll do something without each other. Probably not, though. I'm okay with that.

Here are all the girls, +John and -Becca. To my family...look how happy we all are. Doesn't that make you want to live on the water in say, the Pacific Northwest? You too could always be this happy. Here's my boy. We look happy but don't be decieved. This was actually just before I got dropped and tackled in the sand. He loves me.

For Valentine's Day, KR made us heart pancakes and mimosas. I don't think anyone loves V-Day more than Miss Ruggles. It's fantastic.

The boys did manly things that had no point.

We hung out. I pretended I knew how to golf. Shoulda taken Daddy-o up on those lessons back in the day.

This was my favorite part, as you might expect. I may have gotten dominated most of the time, but I'll admit, I had a couple moments where I felt like my old self again. Sigh, when did I get old?

Yep, Mom and Dad, you really should consider the Pacific Northwest.

More to come. Thanks for reading.

Love, LC

Sunday Night Tradition

So, every Sunday night we have what we call "Family Dinner." It usually involves anywhere from 4-15ish of our friends. The house switches but usually it goes roughly as follows: wine, conversation, dinner, and America's Funniest Home Videos. Last night was an exceptionally great Family Dinner and I thought all day how I was going to write about the intricacies and dynamics of our weekly time together, how thankful I was that I get to share a meal with some of the best people I know each week, and how much I LOVE AFV, still. I was going to write all this until I read Dooce just now, as I always do for inspiration before I write. Turns out, she blogged the exact same thing. And while great minds might think alike, some execute far better than others. So, I fold. Read Dooce today. It's pretty much what I was going to say anyway.

Love,
LC

My Year: A Musical Journey

So, I finally made some mental space to sort of think back over the past year. And I found that as I started untangling the various experiences and emotions, I kept finding myself tracking the time line in terms of music. Music seems to be really important to me. Now, I know lots of people say that and its pretty cliché, really. I’m going to say up front that I am very much this exact cliché. And what’s more is that I love pop music. Love it. I don’t pretend to have discovered anything or anyone that wasn’t previously known to 87% of the American population. I buy in 100% to every manufactured, catchy, 10-minute hit. And I don’t care. All of this is to say, as you read through my year in music, don’t judge.

So, without further ado, this is my 2008:

January:
-What Are We Fighting For by Tyrone Wells…It made me excited for what I was about to do in at IJM in DC. And they played it at my last week of Seattle church. It got the Presbyterians to clap and woot, which is really sayin' something.
-Boy With a Coin by Iron & Wine…a perfect winter song (and whole album really). Especially because it was pretty much the only one I had after accidentally deleting my entire music library. Whoops. (Thanks, T.)

February:
-If You Want Me by Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova from the movie “Once”…an excellent break-up song, well, pre-breakup song as it were.
-Low by Flo Rida…it was everywhere when it initially dropped. I don’t know how many times I sat in traffic and belted this song on my way to work. You know you still love it.

March:
-Always Be My Baby by David Cook...he performed it on Mariah Carey week on American Idol and it was a beautiful, beautiful thing by a beautiful, beautiful man. A, B, Little B and I would gather around each for Idol, full of happy hour and good conversation. (Miss you guys!)

April:
-Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis…this was my song for a boy we’ll call “Pleats.” We’ll also call him the mistake of the year. Of. The. Year. And if you know the song, the words don’t actually match my situation, it was just a good whiney, belt it with the windows down kinda song. Ew.
-Theme Song to the West Wing…I was addicted to the show because #1 its fantastic and #2, I had too much anxiety to sleep, this was my distraction. I did four seasons in 2 months. Ya, I know.
-The Crane Wife 3 by the Decemberists…a perfect song to compliment my anxiety. I'm glad it's not April anymore.

May:
-Zak and Sara by Ben Folds…went to the concert in DC and renewed my love for Ben. Amazing show.
-Surprise Surprise by Celine Dion…HS and I belted this one to North Carolina and back. I can’t resist a girl-power, super-ballad by Celine. Good memories.
-Viva la Vida by Coldplay…made me cry the first time I heard it. I've written about it before.

June:
-Disturbia by Rihanna…spur of the moment trip to Seattle. A poolside weekend with my favorites, definitely one for the books.
-Sleeping to Dream by Jason Mraz…the result of poolside Seattle weekend
-Orange Sky by Alexi Murdoch…I dreamed this song, possibly my most vivid dream of the year. It was beautiful, as the song is.

July:
-I Kissed a Girl by Katy Perry…a poppy, catchy summer song perfect for driving across the country. Right, Pooch? Remember how you tried to throw the CD out the window? Too bad it came back in, sucka!
-Desire by Ryan Adams…a.k.a. flirting. You know you were.
-Dancing by Elisa…due to my obsession with “So You Think You Can Dance”..and its just a beautiful song.

August:
-Forever by Chris Brown…Cait’s wedding, the best weekend of the year. It felt like we (I) had been “waiting my whole life, for this one night”…such a fantastic memory. It was the "pantasy wrife!"
-True Affection by The Blow...this song is actually a twofer. “Just because it’s real don’t mean it’s gonna work…” Sad.
-Death and All His Friends by Coldplay…things were tough at home and I didn't write much about it, it was almost to much for me. I didn’t want to follow in the cycle. (Which has since broken in a big way.)

September:
-Hallelujah by Paramore…basically sums up how happy I was to be spending a beautiful Fall in Seattle again. I ran this song around Greenlake about 50 times.

October:
-Live Your Life by T.I. and Rihanna…oh, Leavenworth. What a funny trip you were. Haha. This song couldn’t have been a more fitting soundtrack. Am I right?
-Sex on Fire by Kings of Leon…what can I say about this song? Parents, if you’ve never heard it, don’t judge it by the title. This was my study break song. I shook it by myself a lot to this one.

November:
-Love Story by Taylor Swift…I am obsessed. This song is the story you always dream as a little girl but learn as an adult doesn’t exist. Still, it’s fun to get lost in it. Plus, I’m REALLY good at singing it.
-Hot N Cold by Katy Perry…love ya, Nermal.

December:
-Time of Your Song by Matisyahu…Pooch and I listened to this song all the way to Salem and back trying to memorize it because we LOVE the picture the chorus paints: “I’m the arrow/You’re my bow/Shoot me forward and I will go”
-Oh Come Oh Come Emmanuel by Joshua James…always my favorite Christmas song because somehow it captures the yearning of Advent but the celebration too. This is my favorite version of all time.
-Winter Song by Sara Bareillis and Ingrid Michaelson…such a beautiful song, especially by the glow of Christmas lights on snowy nights…I laid in bed and wondered so many times, “is love alive?”…because I’m starting to think its not.
-Whatever You Like by T.I….This is what we rang in the New Year to. Why? I have no idea. I think we may have listened to it at least 20 times in the course of the night. Certain boys even acted the song out. Patron on ice? Really, boys?

So that’s it. That’s my year, in a way. If you’re wondering what your song(s) is, just ask, because if I know you, I probably have a song for you. You might be surprised with what I come up with. Oh, and if you’re wondering what I’m listening to right now, it’s Akon. I’m on my lunch and just need some beats. No significance attached. Not yet anyway.

Peace, love and Taylor Swift-
LC